This How To Was Written By Andrew Chart and Alex Ward

WARNING

Reading this can cause you very stressful feelings, therefore it is advisable for adults not to read on.

We at Goldeneye Fever believe that it is vital for you to know exactly how to play Goldeneye 007.

First, you need to purchase a few good items... An N64 (Would Help) An N64 Video Game Controller (For When you have nothing to hold.) A TV Someone who knows how to link a N64 up with a TV. A Friend (Only required if you want to play a multiplayer deathmatch or if you are scared of certain James Bond characters. It is recommended that the friend does not come with epilepsy. You should want a friend that is a good loser (opposite of sore loser) because you will definitely be beating him/her/it at multiplayer) The Game Goldeneye 007 for the N64. A spare TV to watch your favourite program on. A box of chocolate Digestive biscuits. You know.. If you're hungry A large reservoir. Goldeneye can make you thirsty. A Jacuzzi (We don't know how to spell it even Andrew however much I hit him on the head with a dictionary) A pair of Glasses Only required if you are blind A house A house with electricity is recommended, but not essential, if you can't get a house with electricity, you will need some batteries, I'll leave you to work out how many. A hospital bed Incase you have epileptic fit. A toilet For those digestive biscuits you scoffed earlier Those items should cost you no more than £250,000 ($400,000) if you get the house with electricity.

Now you have purchased those simple items you will have depressed your parents (unless you are a parent in which case you will have depressed yourself and are now having a fit from which you will probably die from.) Goldeneye Fever will not accept any responsibility for dead parents, it's your fault kids, you should have put a parent lock on this site.

Now you are Ready to play Goldeneye.

Switch your electricity on and make sure everything is working, get into you jacuzzi with your friend (optional) and switch on the console.

WARNING!!!

Since you are now alone in the house with 3 dead people, you will now be wanting to amuse yourself with something that will take your mind off all this death, Goldeneye.

Sit down on the sofa (I'll explain how you got that sofa later). Make sure both TV's are on and that you are not sitting on your TV remote control, if you are sitting on your remote, sit on the other side of sofa (brought with your dead parents credit card) as you tend to shift a lot whilst playing Goldeneye, it gets really annoying if you start to change channel a lot. Unwrap the protective film on your box of digestives and prepare a straw to reach into the reservoir. Carefully give a digestive to your friend.

Pick up your phone and arange a funeral service for the dead people (do not forget to commemerate all dead Goldeneye Soldiers as well). in your house, remember to invite friends and family, oh but your family are in those wooden boxes. Oh well...

Since you are back in your house you will feel the sudden urge for something to eat, but before you eat, do the following...

• Set up the Toilet in whichever room your N64 is in.
  
• Sit on the toilet and start on your digestive biscuits while having constapation, You never should have scoffed your meal down your throat in such a hurry!
  
• Turn on your N64 and select a folder and then "select mission".
  
• Since you will be wanting to get all the cheats as quickly as possible, Goldeneye Fever have taken the liberty to write some walkthroughs for each level...

  P.S: If you need the toilet you do not have to move, you can carry on playing Goldeneye as usual. Clever huh?

  Goldeneye Fever will not accept any fines from plumbers who say you jacuzzi is blocked.
  
  

  Dam:

  Seeing as you need the cheat for this level, Alex has decided to write how to get the cheat the easy way...
  

  Ah you made it Dam finally the one you've been waiting for the easiest level in the game. Tune to channel 54 to watch Happy days and the gang. You start behind a large pillar, walk forward and turn right, since turning right will cause you to repeatedly bang into a wall, oh I mean left, pause the game while you watch Happy days. Unpause and kill the cheesy bloke called Ned. ( trust me I read it in a magazine that was never realeased.) Run to hi-jack the truck (actually don't do that coz you're stupid aren't you?) Just follow the truck until it gets to the gates (which will probably waste your time but that's not my problem.) Kill people if you must, then get there ammo if you must, open the gate and close, open, close, open, close, open, close, stretch those legs up in this execises. Turn 180º and open the gate run through forgeting all about the alarm open the gate then run forward and destroy the padlock by placing the covert modem on it. Press B twice (this will cause the gate to open then close thus you are now stuck), and wait for 2:39 but don't miss your favorite part of happy days. Carry on through the level opening each door and forgeting about the alarm do it to all three towers, once this is complete jump off the platform.
  Oh yeah I forgot to say about the alarm back there.
  

  WARNING

  
  Reading This Walkthru May Cause you To Go Mad. Goldeneye Fever will not help any mad people.

  If you find you have gone mad, visit, www.i'mhavingafit.com
  Goldeneye Fever will not take blame for any remarkable comments made on www.i'mhavingafit.com, however you can E-mail I'm having a fit (This E-mail will respond to some idiot who thinks he is part of Goldeneye Fever, oh dear! But please E-mail him coz he's desperate.
  

  Facility:

  Now in unbearable pain and agony (due to the fact that you did not get paintball mode and also because the phone is ringing and you have attracted a crowd to your window, in order to answer the phone, you need to get out of your jacuzzi naked and cold. You are stuck, what do you do...

  
  
  • Sit there getting cold wishing you brought a mobile phone
    
  • Get up and embarass yourself, then say. "Oi, at least I can do Goldeneye's first level in under 2:40! DOH!"
    
  • Sit in your jacuzzi and ignore everything.

    TO BE CONTINUED SOON...

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